Lori Broadcast System

Oh you are in soooo much trouble with me! Why didnt you ever tell me about that DDH thing? I will tell you a secret punk ass! Remember way back when you stayed with me for two weeks? I know you do and stop rolling your eyes at me! I can feel it coming over the internet. The secret is this. When you sleep sometimes you scratch or rub your lower right leg. I seen you do it three times and I did not think about it too much until the third time. I thought it was wierd and I asked you if you were ok. You said you slept wrong. But that is a lie? Right? It hurts when you sleep and you dont even know it. If there is a way I can help you I will but you have to tell me whats going on. If I ask you about it you need to be honest with me. Why do you always carry the world and your shoulders when you dont have to? Im a little mad but not as much as I care. You are a punk ASS! and I still love you.

love *tongue stuck out*
Lori

DDH?
Tonight I went out and had a good time. I was and am still tired from fighting off a flu bug that never quite took it's hold on me. I needed to get out and (gasp) socialize. I hooked up with some ex-company employees that are my friends. One of them is Lori, she has on occasion made her presence and opinions clear on my blog. She and I in turn met up with another ex-company man Mike and his fiancée Karen. Lori had to work that night so we went to the Greek restaurant she dances at and watched her rake in money belly-dancing. Damn that girl is talented. She has already won several west coast dancing contests. My friend Mike is a part time model and works full time too. He is one of those people that cant sit still. His laugh is infectious and his attitude about life is wonderful. His fiancée is Karen, a diminutive, quiet intelligent beauty. She is exactly what Mikes needs to balance out his energy. His energy has gotten him into trouble. Karen is a pediatrist / orthopedist at a local Portland rehab clinic. After Lori's show we had some dinner and went to Capt. Billy Bang's Jazz Pub and enjoyed the music and our company. Actually, jazz is a hit or miss with me and last night was a little off target. But I still had fun! As planned, Mike didn't drink that night so I got nice and buzzed with Lori and Karen. As we are walking back to the car Karen says to me "Do you have DDH?" I almost choked, I was flabbergasted! I hadn't heard those letters spoken at me in years. But then I realized she is a pediatrist and orthopedist. I stopped, smiled nervously and cautiously asked "You mean Developmental Dysplasia of the Hip, right?" She replied "So you do have it, I thought so." I couldn't believe she caught on to my DDH. She actually noticed the tiny limp that I have. I have spent years hiding that and suddenly I'm outted. Mike and Lori are not sure what to say, they just look at us. Karen and I talked about it and she was horrified that it hadn't been corrected when I was young. Of course, its too late now, but that's life. I have only discussed it with a few people and it was nice to talk to someone that actually understands DDH. My case is in the severe category. My right hip becomes dislocated over time and I have to go in for realignment. Because of the hip problem my right leg and foot curves out 19 degrees to the right. The right leg is also 1.2 inch shorter than my left. My leg and hip with the help of gravity are constantly pulling my back down out of alignment. It has been a source of 24/7 pain that I don't feel anymore. It was an odd experience to be outted like that. And I do mean outted too. I have hid that little deformity most of my life, like everything else that has gone wrong. Maybe it was providence that this should be brought out in the open.

DAY 5

I see it ya know. In my minds eye, my future is steady. Not a perfect place, disappointingly there are no flying cars.I see an aging, but gracefully so, pseudo granola grrl. Wandering through art supply stores and book stores. Always looking for that perfect enabler of my creative process. Listening to the young people talking amongst themselves and smiling to myself. I have always liked to listen and I believe the trait will grow with age. Friendships will become more intimate or be lost over the years. Maintaining a long distance relationship is already a strain on me. I see myself living a life of privacy and heavenly solitude. Some folks will know I'm Trans and others wont have a clue. The one idea that has lost it's flavor for me is the idea of a "stealth" life. I suppose this could be interpreted as a Trans maturation.

I'm tired of hiding from myself and the pattern must broken. I have dodged the truths of my life since my earliest memories. I'm sure I started doing this as a life saving measure, but the pattern must be broken. I have made some progress over the last year. I have taught myself to admit I was a victim early in life. Until this last two years the thought was always forcefully pushed away. To me" victim" always equaled "weak" so I refused to go there in my life. Since I have pursued this process of victim recognition within myself I have noticed I have softened in attitude. My jaded side is fading as the need to protect my inner self is dissolving. Admitting you are a victim in life is painful. The best metaphor I can think of is this: A truck has pinned you against a brick wall and yet you are still alive. But, as that truck is pulled away you will feel horrible pain. You would rather the truck never move, but if it doesn't you will eventually die.

That's how I have felt as I have acknowledged events in my past. It hurts, with a sharp pain, but I wont look away anymore and I feel better. I embrace the little ghosts and tell them "everything will be ok."

I am definitely a Scorpio

Here is a darkly amused Lolo in action. Men are fascinated by other males that almost never shave the face. I shave every two to three weeks. I shaved my face this morning and broke out red a lil' bit. Because it showed I shaved, I became trapped in a conversation about this with a (new hire) bearded alpha male at work. He scratched his thicket face and tells me "you are so lucky." I suppressed a facial tic and the overwhelming want to bite of his nose as a warning to the others of his kind.
Normally, I would numbly say "I guess so" and shrug my shoulders, while desperately trying to do a Jedi mind trick to make him go away. Since the success rate of that tactic has always been Zero, I tried a different tactic. I replied "A year and a half ago I got sick and died. Ever since then I haven't had a day without a measurable amount of pain in my stomach or digestive system." ..."But yeah, that shaving thing is leprechaun gold baby!" He in turn became uncomfortable and excused himself...A classic Lolo moment. (-:

Tail Chasing DAY 3

I am a male, a product of a male dominated culture, growing up in an USAmerica that only respects males. My sexual desires in this life or lack of them actually, is bouncing back and forth in my brain. My maleness has reinforced women as sex objects or as various sentimental creatures. But the female identity inside me is undeniably multifaceted as any woman. So as I attempt to resolve who I am, my male traits are bothering me more and more on a conscious level. My perspectives in relation to my gender identity need the reinforcement of a positive female social environment for me to be successful as a woman. But since I seriously lack this environment, I too often look for meaning in my male background, good bad or indifferent to interpret the present day situation. That doesn't work, as the combinations of where I have been, and where I want to be collide and overwhelm my current path in this life. So I often have to catch my thoughts and realize this mental pong game is only reinforcing the inherit flaw of a binary experience. But in the end I admit I'm not sure where my desires really stand and so I hesitate to stop the pong game at all. I try to think objectively about the subject of sex, feelings and desires, but the reality has too many unknown factors to accurately base a decision...


All blustering aside, I am happy. (-:

Uncle Karl

I was only 8 months old when you died. At 18 years old you were the eldest son. It was July 2, 1967 when you died in a place named Quang Tri, Vietnam. Your Marine unit was ambushed and took heavy fire and high casualties. You survived the fire fight but not the rescue. You were loaded into the helicopter with a minor side wound. The helicopter was only 50 feet off the ground when it was hit by a rocket. They tell us you died instantly, but thats what they alway say.
I think I will copy one of your letters to my blog to show you were more than a drafted casualty in a stupid war.

Happy Veterans Day everyone...

DAY 1

My need for social acceptance is standing in my way to enjoying this life in an honest way. I manipulate my appearance, (often negatively) and what I say, in order for other people to think of me in a certain way. I know I have shaped my personality in order to exist within this society. At an early age I consciously learned how to watch people, to observe their every move, every expression and how to interpret what was said and especially unsaid. I learned how to act differently around certain people. I know what and when to say the right statements, to the right people. But because of this weakness, I don't stand up for what I believe in near often enough. I allow my words to propel my so called identity (my shield) and I usually tightly control the reigns of social interaction. I hide my true thoughts behind words so nobody can figure out the person I truly am. I am aware at all times, what I choose to say defines my character and personality in the minds of other people. I try to ensure that your eyes and ears can only be used to evaluate the most superficial level of my identity. My personal experiences and ability to manipulate the perspectives of others is disturbing to me. It's a weakness. I seem to only express emotion through strength of point of view. My identity, on both a social level and private level is harshly driven by ego. Is this why I manipulate my words? To provoke a perspective within others so I can force my ego into others? Does this, invalidate my public personae? Does this nullify any attempt at objectivism on my part?

Everyone wants to be a winner!

It's time for me to refocus my efforts. For the last year and a half I have been reacting to life. That person is not me. In the past, when something needed to be done I would act without hesitation. I have gradually turned into this flinching parody of myself, waiting for the next blow to land on me. No more, I need to gather myself together and torpedoes be damned. I haven't made it this far in life waiting for someone else to help me along. *heh* I am going to put my life under the microscope this week and study all angles. I will arrive at a conclusion by November 15th. No denial, weakness or excuses will be accepted. No prisoners. I must pull myself from this morass I allowed myself to sink into...damnit!