Trained of thought

Sooner than most people, my common sense kicks me into reality. That's what happened when I realized gender identity issues never go away. I realize transitioning is comparable to everything else in life. It doesn't go away. Were you exposed to traumatic events in your childhood? Did the consequences of that trauma disappear as you grew into adulthood? Of course not. You learn, you grow and get on with your life or you die and usually stay dead. Everything that you are, is made from who you have been. If you are a physical and mental female today, it is because you accept your Transness. Once Genie is out of the bottle there is no going back. I think the label transitioning implies the wrong idea. Because, transsexual transitioning isn't a transitory state. It's an identity marker like brown eyes, left handedness and brown hair. We need a better warning label.

Here is a Lolo reality story of transitioning that I haven't told many people. It was a real eye opener for me.

I was in the Emergency Room lying on a bed doubled over in pain. The pain was beyond anything I ever felt before, I was passing gallstones. The pain was so intense I was barely conscious and wanted to pass out. The nursing staff had my health card and personal info I had thrown at them when I stumbled into the emergency room earlier. I didn't think about gender identity at that time. So as I lay on the bed, and in the middle of the worst jolt of pain, I heard a nurse say "she's going to pass out!" Oh no... Oh shit... they think I'm a woman. But the combination of long hair, 5' 7" height, unisex birth name and some boobage, pushed them towards the female assumption. They wanted me out of my clothes and in the bed. They started to pull of my clothes, I was forced to quickly and haltingly blurt out I was a MtF T... Oh yes, that's the reality of transitioning baby! The worst pain of your life, a room full of strangers and outing yourself. TAH DAH!
Lucky for me I was at a hospital in liberal Portland OR with full and excellent health coverage. If I had this gallstone attack somewhere in Butt-fuck, Arkansas with no (or poor) health coverage how do you think I would have faired?

Did I ever think about this crap when I started transitioning? Hell no. But that's life.

Transitioning is a rollercoaster ride without the safety bar to hold you in the car.

Caitlin, thanks for the train of thought.

Jarring Experience

So, yesterday I try and fail miserably to open up a jar. I hand
it to my brother, he opens it *pop* effortlessly. Uh oh. Watching him
open the jar I suddenly realized this has become a trend lately.
This is the third time I have needed to hand off a jar to a guy to get it open.
The diminished strength has been so gradual I was caught off guard by the reality.
I am not bragging up my femininity here. Actually, for me this is quite a mixed
life experience. I am uncomfortable to a degree with the loss of strength. I suppose
its better to find out now, rather than later if I might need to defend myself
physically. I wonder if this is how some TS might get in trouble with men. The TS
in question might overextend her safety thinking she can rely on her old male ways
and means. That miscalculation could cost a person her life.

Memes-Stolen from Caitlin from Gwen from Bear

First real kiss: Stephanie at age 14 in my parents camper.

First kiss I enjoyed: April, a soft and delicate kisser with lips like silk

First job: Where I am working now...I'm not a bum, I have worked there for 19 years.

First screen name: SliverX60215

First self purchased album: Cassette Tape, Blondie: Parallel Lines 1979

First funeral: 8 months old, Uncle Karl, Vietnam War. Many more funerals to follow after that...

First pets: My own? Annie, my half Siamese/half black cat.She lived to be 20 years old. But I have always had other cats of the family my entire life . The first cat I was born around was Missy, She was a full blooded Siamese. First dog, a Collie named Martini, she saved my life from a fire when I was a baby.

First piercing: None yet. When it does happen, hypoallergenic jewelry only please.

First true love: April. She was my girlfriend for a year. Her Hawaiian heritage is what first attracted me to her.

First big trip: When I was 2 years old I was in Hawaii. But the first trip I remember was from Camp Pendleton in southern California to Portland OR by bus. My mom had separated from my father after he physical abused both her and I. It was a long trip.

First musician you remember hearing in your house: Zantanna. By the time I was 10 I had been to 3 of their concerts.

Last big car ride: From Vancouver USA to Vancouver BC and back again. 6 hour trip. Visited friends in Seattle both ways and it helped break up the monotony.

Last kiss: My friend Lori. We made up after a slight miscalculation on my part.

Last good cry: 4 weeks ago, but I can feel another one coming soon. *ack*

Last movie seen: "Taking Sides" at Cinema 21: Where does commitment to art end and collaboration with an evil empire begin? That's the moral question at issue in Istv?n Szab?'s adaptation of Ronald Harwood's play about the post World War II confrontation between a world famous symphony conductor and the American officer assigned to interrogate him.

Last beverage drunk: Coke, this afternoon.

Last food consumed: Tuna fish.

Last phone call: My brother, 2 minutes ago. Verifying plans before he drives all the way from Central Point OR to Vancouver USA.

Last TV show watched: St. Helens: Out of the Ash on PBS last night. Brought back old fears from childhood and memories of places that no longer exist.

Last shoes worn: Old pair of tennishoes I am wearing right now...ahhhh comfort.

Last CD played: Pink Floyd: "Wish you where here" on the way home from work.

Last item bought: Estradiol.

Last disappointment: I have to work the day after Thanksgiving. *boo* *hssss*

Last soda drunk: Drank a pop (Coke) this afternoon.

Last ice cream eaten: 3 weeks ago a Triple Chocolate Madness cone. *eyes roll back in head* drooool

Last shirt worn: The shirt I am wearing now, a short sleeve royal blue v-neck. 60% cotton, 40% polyester and very comfortable.

Break a leg


My conveyance, enfeebled and hollow as I ponder the rancid odor rising from the well. I require distraction from my emotions as the holiday creeps up my ankles. I want only my intellect to guide me through this thorny thicket. Too much unfinished business in my life piling up. I have the capacity to walk off this stage in my life. Unfortunately I have an obligation to my fear, to hide behind a facade of responsibility. As always I stagger to my mark, masque in place. I play the role I was born into but never wanted. My faith...

Dead Man Walking

Tomorrow I am going to find an electrolysist and schedule my first appointment. I am completely clueless about this step and I am nervous. Pain tolerance isn't an issue, but sensitive skin is a real worry. Remember, Band-Aid adhesive damages my skin. I need to research what kind of electrolysis (is there a difference?) will work best and do the least damage. I guess I should have done this a long time ago. In my defense I am a slacker and this was not high on my priority list. I know I am in error thinking that way and I'm trying to pull my shit together. It will be damn cool to never have to shave again. I hate it so much, every 2-3 weeks I have to find that damn razor and I always forget where I laid it down! Argh!

Look sharp

If ever there was a question about my identity, my feelings of late have dismissed any doubt. I dont like the life of a guy. Before I shaved my head even when I was in boymode I was often taken as female. I miss that small morsel of positive attention and I want it back so bad.
I am not perfection and never will be. But that is no reason to settle instead of pursuing hapiness. Indeed for too many years I have wasted my short time on this earth just getting by. My focus is becoming clear again and I am a little nervous.

Day of Remembrance

The time is 3:30 AM and this is a first and only draft. It's a stream of consciousness afterthought to my experience

So I briefly attended the Day of Remembrance in Portland. I stayed for a half hour and paid my respects. I took this time to reflect upon hate crimes in general too. A very frustrating topic for me, I have no understanding of hate crimes. I don't want to understand how a seemingly normal human can become a frothing monster based on visual cues of another person. People are killed because of what they are assumed to be, not because of what they did (if anything) wrong. Madness. Discrimination has always been an intangible idea for me. I know there is a cliche about that way of thinking. If I claim to be without discrimination I am the worst kind of racist. Well, in my case that's a bullshit assumption. Racism and discrimination are ideas I struggle to understand. I remember when I was 11 years old, coming to terms with skin color as an excuse for other people being racist . That was difficult for me and I couldn't keep it in my head as an actual permanent excuse for hatred. When I eventually found out about the holocaust and the hatred of the Jews, I was completely confused. I thought "But they are white, so now what's the excuse?" At age 37 I of course know better and am still repulsed by the whole idea of racism. And now I must wrap my mind around people hating me. The same people I am ill equipped to judge will cast me away in a heartbeat. I suppose being born 3/4 white in a 98% white community gave me the luxury to not understand racism? I'm not sure of the answer, but I know many TS people died last year because of the honesty and individuality. When I died, I experienced a memory burn of the last thing I saw, a nurses face. I still have her face as clear as the moment I died in my mind's eye. I shiver at the thought of the last thing I take with me into the afterlife (or not) is the face of anger and hatred killing me. So what's the answer to my naive perspective? Toughen up and steel myself for the possible attack? I don't know, but I do know this. When I mourned the TS deaths, race, religion, political identity, appearance, sexual identity and age never invaded my thoughts. Maybe I'm not as I naive as I believe?