Smirk of the day

An associate of mine claiming to be a Christian complains to me about gay marriage. I flippantly reply "Maybe they (gays) were put on this Earth to teach people like you tolerance."

He almost choked on his tongue he was so flustered. No retort was uttered. I stared at him until he went away...

Black Pit

The strain from playing the "tough love" card is so heavy. I feel guilt and
resentment at the same time. I don't even know know if I'm handling this
situation in the right way.
Turning her off is so unnatural and doing so makes me feel like a sociopath. She actually had the nerve to ask me for five dollars this morning. I told her "I can't give it to you." She asked me another question but I tuned her out and walked away.
She must pull herself together for the sake of our individual futures. I am not going to stay in Vancouver any longer than neccessary. When I fully transition I plan on moving away. I need to make my own future. But in doing that I worry for hers. But I need to keep in mind I can't live both our lives. I'm not sure of anything right now and I'm tired of dealing with an issue that can has no satisfactory conclusion.

Right-Left Observations

My boss is from New York. He is a nice guy, but a little too intense sometimes. His pace is much quicker and seemingly always in a hurry. Even when he has no where to go. Other people from the East Coast that I call friends are similiar. It's a little disconcerting. One big culture between PacNW and Esterners is the lack of recycling habits among the Right Coasters. We were brainwashed from the 70's on up to recycle or we would kill the earth. The New Yorkers' (we have 2) are baffled by the neurotic recycling habits. Go ahead throw I pop can in the garbage...I dare ya.

Empty Eyes

This is one of THOSE days when I just don't want to resist the forces against me. I had to do something gut wrenching today. My mom has lived with me for many years and as much as I didn't want that to happen I have lived with it. Three years ago she was layed off from her full time job and she hasn't worked since. She hasn't made an effort to look for work and much of that has to do with depression. She ran up a lot of debt trying to live a life style she can't afford. I bailed her out financially twice in the last ten years. My finances are stretched so thin, I wish I could live from paycheck to paycheck. It would be a step up. My brothers don't help out in the least, it's all on me. But, now I'm done. Informed my Mother that she would no longer recieve any money or any finiancial support from me. She can still live with me for free but all her bills and neccessities except food will have to come from someone else. I hate myself for this. I can't imagine being any less of a human being right now. I fear where this action might take things. But it had to change, for me, for her and for our relationship.

There is so much more to this situation than I'm exposing here. I'm so tired of it all.

Portland grants gay marriage licenses

Portland will begin granting marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples on Wednesday, making it the first jurisdiction in Oregon to officially recognize that same-sex couples can marry. County officials have been discussing the move for more than a week and they made the decision based on a legal opinion. Oregon state law defines marriage as a "civil contract entered into in person by males at least 17 years of age and females at least 17 years of age." The law does not specify that the union be between a man and a woman.



Too Cool. (-:

Shake a Leg

Went to the chiropractor yesterday afternoon. Every six months I have my right leg popped back into place. If I don't have it done, a knot the size and hardness of a golf ball forms in the lower right side of my back. My pelvis, hip and leg on my right side don't connect smoothly. My right leg curves out and when I walk it pushes against my pelvis and also strains my hip. It hurts more than I acknowledge and when I go to the chiropractor I'm forced to feel it. The constant pestering from the doctor with his questions "what do you feel when I push here? Scale of 1 - 10, what's the pain level?" I know the questions are necessary so he knows where to work, but it feels like a sort of regression to me. I won't feel pain in my leg until I'm forced to think about it. It's a nifty trick my brain worked out to save my sanity. I was born with problems in my right leg. From my foot all the way up to my hip. It curves out gradually getting more severe from top to bottom. On my back, laying on the table, I watch other people try not to stare at me. It's a frightening scene to the unaware. The doctor bends my leg in ways that would break yours, guaranteed. I have heard a couple of gasps from people that have watched. To them it looks so unnatural. The picture I paint here is of a Lolo pulling a dead leg behind her. No, you wouldn't even notice the disfigurement. I hide it very well. To understand the masking process take your right leg/foot and twist it out as far as possible and walk that way for a while. I do the opposite to look normal. I twist my right leg/foot inside so nobody can see anything wrong. The whole right leg mess is a part of my personality, it's not just a body thing. I was in intense pain as a child from it growing the wrong way. It limited some physical activities when I was a kid. Not until I was in my mid teens could I be physically carefree and active without a painful nights sleep. But even now I occasionally feel it and it haunts me. I have only minimal cartilage remaining in my right knee and had water removed from my knee four times over the years. The bones don't meet very happily at my knee so they grind together. My right leg is an inch shorter than my left. It pulls down my spine causing bad muscle cramping. The pain from all of this is relative. As I said I don't feel it normally and I usually don't think or talk about it either. That is, except for twice a year.

Looking Back

March 2002 my life changed irrevocably. On a Saturday morning around eight o'clock I was sleeping comfortably. My dream turned red and I abruptly woke up feeling horrific pain. I tried to yell, but no sound would come out. I was completely incapacitated by pain shooting out from my stomach and abdomen. A few minutes later I felt I was going to expel from both my ends. I willed myself out of bed and staggered to the bathroom, every step made me hurt even more. Dizzying pain was enveloping my senses and I had no balance as I fell onto cold bathroom tile. I barely made it onto the toilet before I shat. I grabbed a garbage basket and puked into it. Wicker doesn't contain liquids very well. I was so disgusted with myself I started crying. After I shat/puked out everything possible, my right side gradually started feeling better. When I regained my composure I cleaned up the bathroom, showered and went back to bed. I blamed food poisoning for my ailment and slept many hours from the exhaustion. I would never have guessed I passed my first gallstone.

I feel silly writing about this particular experience. It's barely a footnote compared to what was to come.



Over the next few weeks (sporadically) I will try to write about this stuff from a feeling point of view. I don't usually write about my emotions because I don't trust feelings to be reliable perspective.