*Ugh* and a roll of the eyes

I don't want to discuss this with him. He isn't so conservative that he won't listen. But he does get uncomfortable when even talking about (as he puts it) "the gay thing". So his level of
discomfort when talking about transgender issues is obvious.

My father, I met him when I was 29 years old. We met in a place of my choosing, a local bar. I chose a bar because I wanted to be in a public place. I didn't know what he looked like or what to expect. I also needed access to a good buzz so I wouldn't run away. I can clearly remember meeting my father. Can you? I am calling him "father" instead of dad because he isn't my dad. Which brings to mind the fact that I had never used the word "dad" in a sentence when referring to male parentage. My step father never let me (nor did I want) call him dad. I always used his first name. And to be exact I have only used the word "father" with "step-" in front of it, sort of like a disclaimer. Whenever I talk about my bio-father I use his name Keith. My friends routinely screw this up and nonchalantly refer to him as my dad in conversation. I bristle at the reference and quickly correct the friend in question. "Call him Keith, I do."
sometimes I forget he is my father. I will talk to him as if he were an older acquaintance of mine. I cannot imagine him being married to my mother. When I think about it, it sorta makes me queasy. I look at my two parents and wonder how they ever managed to squeeze out two kids.

He has been aware of my "T" status since October 26th, 2003. He doesn't have much more than a surface understanding of my transness and that's ok. But he is an extremely intelligent man with no excuse for ignorance. We talked today and he told me that my brother Jason will be visiting with his 9 year old son. He wanted to give me a "heads up" so I could change how I dressed while my brother and nephew are here. My brother and his family haven't been brought into my little circle of deceit yet. So, Keith thinks I'm a transvestite. *sigh* So I am forced to explain the differences between transvestites and transsexuals. I did that without making one label sounding better or worse than the other and only using basic terms. I don't know how much sank in to that big brain. I tried to stress the fact that I dress gender neutral so the worry shouldn't be an issue anyway.

But this scenario illustrates a big problem in our relationship. We have probably only spent about 3 months time together, if you added it all up. I'm ashamed to say this, but sometimes I regret finding him and making him a part of my life. What a horrible thing to say. But ya know he never would have looked for me, I had to find him. He is having a hard time with my transness and blames his absence in my life as a possible cause. He has told me many times how guilt ridden he is over his neglect of his kids. How do I respond to that statement? To be honest it sorta pisses me off. A part of me wants to say "fuck you and your apologies". You want to make it up to me? Ok, how about a check for 18 years of child support? I know the perfect operation it can fund. But that wouldn't be fair to the other 6 kids (that we know of) that you spawned during your carefree drunk life. Truth is if you paid for my half-brother Mark's drug treatment program that would make me happy. You remember Mark, right? He never knew you either. You still don't recognize him as your oldest child because he was from an affair. But technically he is your eldest son since he is ONLY 2 DAYS OLDER THAN ME.

Yeah, I'm sorry you have so many guilty feelings to cope with too.

Overcast Saturday

Ok. Previous entry...I have no idea where you came from. I suspect you inhabit the area vacated by my gallbladder. Just laying there with all your mean, ugly and nasty ideas waiting for me to become so tired that you can lash out at the world. It's a theory in progress.

Lately I have been feeling fatigued and lethargic. At first I thought it was depression or a gallstone related event. But no, blood tests show it is anemia as the cause. On my mother's side of the family the women have low iron levels. Nobody ever bothered to mention this to me. I suppose my "frank and beans" excluded me from the discussions. You would think that the simple solution would be to add more iron to the diet. That would be too easy. We are genetically an iron intolerant family. That part I already knew. I once took a multi vitamin with a lot of iron in it and I was sick for a week. *ack*

Now I *LOL* wondering how I evaded the natural selection process.

I have always been sterile, so maybe that was the natural selection process..?

Look...A transSEXual

That's right folks step right up and take a gander! There "she" is in her natural habitat. Laying on a couch reading a book with her two black cats. One sleeping on her stomach and the other draped over her head. She must be transitioning to be one of those strange cat ladies. Why would anyone do that? She claims it's because she needs to do it to live. But does that make "her" special? We all want to change something about ourselves. But most of us are strong enough to live our lives without mutilating our past and future. Why can't she just count her blessings and continue on with life as it is? Like the Alcoholics say "day by day." You would think that her brush with death and her continuing health crisis would bring her around to reality. But no, she continues on as if this were a good thing to do. Some people never learn.

Lifes lil' Twists


I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescriptions after work today. Felt like shit, looked like hell and sounded tired. The pharmacist told me it might take a while. I asked him the approximate time he needed. He thought an hour would be fine.
I said that "I would come back in an hour or so, no big hurry."

Later on I came back and picked up my drugs.

He said "you are always such a nice person and we really appreciate your patience with us."

I smiled and replied "Oh, your welcome and thanks for the compliment."

"No.. really, You are so such a kind and understanding person. All of us here hope that everything works out for you in your life. You have opened our eyes on how to handle life in so many ways. We all wanted you to know that."

*blush* *mouth agap*

I replied for warmly "Thank You."

Those few words made my week.

I admit I cried a lil' bit when I was alone. But it was a good cry.

*Mumble..Barf*

Results of Ultra-Sound? Nothing, Nada and inconclusive. Do the Docs think I have stone or two floating around? Yes. What next? So far I have ruled out the scope down the throat method. I found out that my chances of developing pancreatitis from the scope is around 20%. No FUCKING way are my gonna take that much of a chance. There are drugs that I can (and will) take that can dissolve the stones, but it's time consuming. It's gonna take two weeks for the drugs to work, IF they work. And as I know all too well anything can go wrong in two weeks.

...Meanwhile my body is churning out twice the normal bile and acid as normal. I am so nauseous I can barely talk. All the parts that are affected by gallstones are hurting. I have a drug for severe nausea. But, it's so powerful I just sleep. The drug is a thorazine derivative and you don't take it orally. I don't like puttin things in my pooper. I'm on a great weight loss program..don't eat. I have so many drugs to take, I'm surprised my liver doesn't swell up and go *pop*. On the subject of my Liver. The damage from two years ago never healed. I now have a slight amount of liver disease. Nothing to worry about unless I decide to become an alcoholic. *sigh*

Simon Sez

I felt like shit today and I stayed at work anyway. My theory is if I'm gonna feel like shit at home or work I might as well stay at work. I thought about going to the Emergency Room tonight. I was very nauseous and some pain in the abdominal area. I waited and it eventually faded into the background, I'm glad I waited. I really don't want to go into the Emergency Room. Too many bad memories and when I thought about doing it I felt a chill up my spine.
I am supposed to hear from the Gastro Intestinal Doc sometime this week about the ultra-sound results. They can feel free to hurry it up. Eating has become unpleasant and randomly successful. *sigh* I'm not over the top depressed, but I am a lil' blue about the whole affair. I don't feel like my life is in danger. I do however feel like my future is being tainted. I just want to control the world so I can feel secure. Is that too much to ask for?

Want some cheese with that whine?

I wanted to write something about my life in transition. But I confess that I don't really give a damn about gender identity right now. So what does that mean? It means I am more distracted by other things in my life than I care to admit. As always, I will muddle through it alone since I know of no other way to deal with crisis. I am not prostrating myself, I truly just don't know of any other way. I can already feel my personality pulling back into a more introverted form in hopes of conserving energy. I need to find out what's happening with my health so I can attempt to relax my grip on my heart. I have to wait until next week sometime and it's all I can think about. Why does this shit have to happen in April-May? That fact only heightens my irrational fears of crisis past. I don't want to die again. I try to say I'm not scared of dying and that's mostly true. Death doesn't scare me, it's the gettin' there part that terrifies me. I cant go through pancreatitis again. I don't know how I survived the first attack. As horrific as the pain from pancreatitis can be, it's nothing compared to The Sick. I fear the long protracted illness sapping my soul away and my will to live. I won't deal with it again. I am doing my best not be that terrified little boy I was. But it so difficult to be brave with God's thumb pressing down on my back.