para la registro.

I had a busy day Tuesday. Three appointments starting at 8:30 in the gawdawful morning. Counselor, then my Doctor and finally I visited with the nutritionist. So it looks like I will be confined to the diet of a severe diabetic for the rest of my life. I am not a diabetic so I feel a little cheated. But this rare triglyceride genetic (angry god kiss) defect I have is now taking over my life. If I don't do change, I will be taken off of hormones. But even if I do everything right I may still be taken off of hormones. It depends on how well the food change, medications and exercise work together. How do I feel about all this? The song "Born under a bad sign" comes to mind. But I guess I have no choice but to pick myself up from the dirt and keep going. If I am taken off HRT I will freak. I didn't come all this way in my mind to stop now. Doctors are not the only source of HRT. If I need to I will take matters into my own hands.

Loose marbles

So I stayed home from work today. I'm just wiped out right now and going to work would be unbearable. It's not as though I am crippled, I just would be unreliable as far as work output goes. That's the big question as to what my future is going to turn out like based on the situation I'm in now. What if this pancreas stuff never goes away? Do I live a life part in misery and the other part always looking for a good day? That's not a life, that's existing and I don't care for it. What if I can't transition and I'm stuck as I am now?
There are people in this world that are far worse off than I could ever imagine in my worst nightmares. And yet I feel pretty damn sorry for myself right now. One of the problems I deal with is the absence of any physical appearance of illness. When I look in the mirror I can see behind the eyes and know I'm miserable. But when others look at me they see very few signs. It isn't that I want to look sick, but sometimes it would help. I end up having to explain myself too much. When I'm with friends they always have to ask as to my status concerning my health. I feel bad because I know they don't want to remind me all the time about it, but the are worried. I suppose I just have to take everything day by day and hope it gets better. *feh* hope is the breeding ground for disappointment.

Rough Ride

I had a rough weekend in regards to my health. I had another overnight stay in the hospital. Same situation as last time, but at least now I know the cause. This smoldering pancreatitis does the same thing to a body as a full blown case, but on a smaller scale. However I did notice the pain was worse than the nausea this time. I had a brief trans moment with a doctor. As he is checking my vitals he asks if I still have my ovaries. *sigh* He took it very well and I tried to be as understanding to his ego as I had energy to give. Now that my doctors and I know the reason for my health problems we can start looking towards recovery. Honestly, I was starting to doubt my sanity. I was actually starting to wonder if it was all in my head. I'm not sure which is worse, being crazy or being sick. Ok, bedtime in my own bed, Good night.